Emotion, intellect, logic, chaos, memory, loss, pain, joy, experience, body, mind, spirit -so much of who, what, and why we are — I am —usually contained in an orderly package called me– controlled, integrated, contained——–

Monday’s class—- powerful –unlocking the safe places certain parts of me are kept– not only me— we are not alone—- We are humans—- we are beings—- that which is our own may be ours in details.

Monday’s class—- details are personal, often kept just under conscious acknowledgement, controlled, contained—- certain keys unlock these safe places— responses, then are not only personal —– the human capacity to share, empathize, sympathize — we are not alone.

Monday’s class —- unleashing chaotic pasts and presents—– fragmenting ——-  disrupting.  —Unveiling what is just below the surface.  We really are still human in this era of speed and occupations– commitments and time constraints, paved rivers and skyscrapers, technology, technology,  technology. We are alive — we share— we are individuals —- Still, in a way as old as time — we are each part of the other — the human web— the sacred circle of all life.

Monday’s class—-memories spun out of control —- memories wrapped safely in layers of optimism for the future, shared joys of the past, images of beauty — butterflies, friends, cats, hope, concentration tangible projects, and daily life —- memories, emotions — unwrapped— out of control.

Body, mind, spirit, soul, essence — all aspects of the person I am—- sometimes thoroughly acknowledged, sometimes not.

We talked of disability about disability and disease, death and suffering, pain and loss —— progressively unwrapping protected details, exposing the protected places. How can we separate mind and body? I cannot. Disease, pain, loss, — experiences of the body — that which lives in the body, affects the body — becomes part of the person. The mind is also part of the person, —negotiates perception — And the spirit can fly free or be contained and restricted.

Monday’s class —– All of those parts of who I am are integrated into me — details not necessarily brought to awareness, consciousness — still there — still part of me. Class brought them tumbling into present experience– mind and body sharing in the reunion with the past that is really part of the present anyway. Death, loss, pain, disease — that which is/was mine and those I love, those who were/are part of me.

Memories: deaths, pain, disease, suicides —- sometimes another person ( too objectified– another being, life, essence), sometimes me– sometimes hard to differentiate— Remembering —-

So tired — no, I don’t want to see food! Everything hurts– but it doesn’t matter so much — just sleep. — why am i being disturbed? a strecher? sleep — siren in the distance– a box with windows and flashing lights shining in — red — sleep — lights above — hallway rushing past — like a movie — sleep —- different bed — sleep —- peaceful and quiet — parents there — too much work to breath — one breath will be enough — too much work —- why breath — it is all so peaceful — floating — free.  Dad running out yelling– sleep — Mom slapping my face — screaming — sleep —- big light — circle of faces — not so peaceful anymore — liked it before — this is crazy —– adjust — start to be awake — coming back to my body and consciousness —  visitors come and go —- music on my transistor radio — alone in my hospital bed — listening to the announcer — Kennedy?!  drowsy ——— wake up —— what? —crying in the hallways — the announcer says Kennedy has been shot——- I sit up holding my radio — The President is dead! ——-

Monday’s class —— talk about amputation, how people still feel the limb if it is suddenly severed —- Sunny afternoon in June — everything going great! —-a phone call — son is in hospital, come quickly —— where is his brother? They don’t say. They don’t say. Finally the little room — young sheriff casually, indifferently reads incident report —- he was dead at the scene — ripped away! attack the poor young sheriff! No — NO — screaming hysterical out of control!!!!!!!!! Physical emotional everything pain! I am ripped apart! Part of me is gone ——- always aware — always gone — always tangibly missing —– 9 months part of my body —– 17 years part of my life — a piece of my heart, my spirit, my being —- gone!  Still gone — Always gone!!!!!!!! — how can I live without he who is so much a part of my being — a piece of my heart has been cruelly amputated all because some jerk on a beautiful sunny afternoon in June decided after at least four citations for driving under the influence — driving license revoked — to drink and drive —— on an afternoon so full of life and beauty and hope.

 

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